12 may :: sans image, just my thoughts right now.

wanting more ::

organization
easy healthy eats
workouts
knitting
sleep
cuddle time with my two loves (one human, one canine)
time. for me.
simplicity
yoga
balance
bluegrass
crunchy (around us)

wanting less ::

spending
non-essentials
pantry and fridge items
gluten
stress
stuff
screen time (although I do well, i could do lots better)
wordiness
ignorance

there is overall a feeling of burnout. near-relief. desire to be "in the moment" despite the apparent untidiness of things/emotion. i feel in a messy artist creative phase. that's okay even if all i'm doing is dreaming, and knitting. i'm coming into my summer self? maybe. despite planning a wedding in our lazy-ish way. wanting always to be my best me, a better me, even an old version of me, of sorts. i love these (intro?)spective, let's just call them 'spective, times. stream of consciousness and glimpse into that ever-shimmering underworld we so rarely seem able to access. a quick peek into the things that keep it all humming that words just can't be put to, and the beauty so much it hurts because you know it's always there but your experience with it at. that. very. moment. is so fleeting. things are good but things are hard but then they're just okay and that's okay too. i like the middle place. i'll always take the tree-lined path. ours is certain but not imminent. we alternate between dreams and practicality, it's a bit like trying to ice skate and let go of the outer rail. we land where we must, and have a go. right now, it's right here, i'm trying to live in the little cozy nucleus of my round perfect self. if i can't stay, i'll come back someday soon. it just takes intention, even if it's in the heart and (as yet) unwritten. thank goodness for this holistic perspective i was blessed with. still so close to the spirit world, with my bare feet lightly treading this one. dare we say, dancing?

29 april :: sadness

we had to put her down today. 

needless to say, we went out for mexican food (and a strong drink) immediately afterward. of course, the gym did not happen. frugality did not happen. and i realized, as i walked the door later, that it was okay. this kind of thing qualifies for a quick step off the wagon. i realized, i still want to be frugal, not to worry. 

but at the time, making my fiance not cry for half an hour after he'd been dealing alone with the vet while i was at work, well you just can't put a price on that. 

we will feel sad for a few days, but think we'll be okay. as i told john, we'll always have kitties around. we just need some time. 

i simplified the blog design a bit. it feels better for the stage of life i'm at, paring down to the essential things of comfort, necessity, and beauty that make for a happy self and home. 

i really want to bake something just spectacular. stressful times always put me in that mode. might just pass like a craving, which is good. tomorrow i attempt again to get back to the gym after 11 days off. the cold is practically gone. thank you, immune system, melatonin, and vitamin D. 

on the upside, it was a great day at school. working in bedroom slippers makes a world of difference. thank goodness for montessori schools. 

xo 

28 april :: just checking in

Just checking in to say that I made it Monday-Thursday last week without going to the coffeeshop.

On Saturday, we took a short drive/day trip to Williamsburg and poked around. I made us a lunch and put it into some enamelware and we saved money that way. I also made us dinner that night.

I followed a menu plan all week for dinners. We did have takeout pizza Friday, which we always do. This will probably carry us through the warmer months but it would be nice to start doing homemade pizza again in the fall. It's been a long time. We also feel good about supporting a local business by ordering the pizza. It's really the unhealthiest thing I eat all week. Not a bad deal.

I took a very short walk today to return library books and realized I was tempted to treat us to dinner at the pub. I then thought to myself, if you don't just put your foot down at some point, this cycle will just keep happening. Treating yourself out of misery might be the American way (I'm definitely prey to it), but it ISN'T the answer. Not to how we'll pay for our wedding, not to how I could potentially stay home more to care for a baby in the future, or to how we'll buy a home, or a car, or whatever life brings us. We wound up having a decent homemade meal of quinoa, veggies, tofu, and a homemade curry sauce.

So yeah, it was a good week despite being sick with a nasty cold that kept me home one day. I started putting extra change into the coin jars again, along with a few dollar bills. We decided to drastically cut our guest list for the wedding and make it very intimate (I'm hoping others can make my shower weekend in early October!). I'm awaiting my tax refund and posted an item online to sell.

Today I cleaned out some spaces in my home, which always clears my mind, too. I sat and knitted. I sat and read blogs. Soon, I'll sit and read my new novel before bed. I've already made a get-back-to-the-gym schedule for the week. Schedules work. I don't overschedule, but I DO make time to pencil in the things that balance me.

Tomorrow night, tacos with veggie beef :-)

Balance and simplicity. That's the way.

24 april :: sick

on day 3 of a nasty head cold today, so i finally stayed home from school. took a homeopathic cough remedy containing melatonin and finally slept ... nearly 12 hours altogether (with two brief wake-ups where i needed to make tea, try to neti-pot, try to blow my nose, etc). today is the first day i don't feel achy and like i can't get comfortable. hoping to be back at it, gently, tomorrow. 

isn't it funny how our perspective tends to shift when we are laid down by illness? we are kinder to our partners, their simple thoughtfulness shines and is appreciated more, and we are reminded of the things that we truly want to focus on in our lives. 

while walking the dog this morning to give John a break, I found $4 scattered on the beach. I'm going to save it. saving is a theme I've been trying to succeed with for some time now. unfortunately, just when we got our wedding fund in place my car decided to let everything go at once. i've now spent a bit over $2,000 on getting it repaired over the last two months. just prior to that, I had some traveling expenses that ate up a large chunk of what i'd started to save. in light of these things, and John being currently unemployed, we are deciding to scale back the number of guests we invite to our special day, making it much more intimate but still an event to recall very fondly. 

at times like these, i always return to a menu plan and try to pack a cooler with food for outings (we are planning a trip to historic williamsburg va, 2 hours away, on saturday, to just explore and get out of the house, depending how i feel by then). i remember that i have plenty of books and yarn and watercolors, and a jigsaw puzzle, on hand. i have a gym membership that's auto-debited each month. we have shows we watch from time to time on john's netflix account. i have relatively healthy ways to keep busy and enjoy my downtime. 

when i don't menu plan and remember that i already have plenty, that's when stress tries to dictate what i will do, whether it's eating out or "needing" new clothes/books/what have you. one of my intentions for the month of may (and beyond, of course) is to cut out any non-essential spending and to take full advantage of the things that comprise how i spend my downtime. 

i think that when setbacks like what we've been going through occur, the positive they bring is an opportunity to reaffirm intentions, refocus on making them happen, and embracing the moments as they occur and enjoying them for what they are. the savings will get built up again.

thanks for listening. xo

21 April :: burdened

Burdened by::

two months of seemingly nonstop spending, much of it on business travel and major car repairs and all the associated costs that stress at work (good stress mostly, but still) brings:: convenience food purchases, impulse buys, etc.

i have not been happy about the seemingly endless drain on money i'd just started saving, and that parents had given us as gifts.

i have really struggled with not having friends around to help with wedding planning. and not having any friend/family model to draw inspiration/know-how from. my friends are all busy with their own lives which is lovely. i'm just feeling so adrift here.

we are also planning potentially a big move this summer to the "big city" of virginia beach so john can find work for the next year. this will make my commute over an hour. however the benefits seem to far outweigh that although the commute will cost a pretty penny. after some insane car trouble and a sick pet, we are realizing how wonderful it will feel to live in a place that actually has readily available services. i won't have to spend seven hours on a saturday, for example, driving over an hour each way just to go to a few stores. but moving ... oh man, are we ever sick of that. we have a plan though. it will just take a while to hatch :-)

i feel like i'm kind of in "hold on tight" mode. it's a little nauseating. it's very uncertain. but we have each other. and i've adjusted accordingly. we now have a freezer full of good, healthy, unprocessed "convenience" foods because there are just lots of factors right now that aren't amenable to home-cooked meals each night. one must do what works for one's family at any given time. i have let this go and just made things easier for us to the best of my current ability.

i also created this:: my fiance does NOT know about it. not that there's any reason to keep it secret, but i just feel guilty about the whole thing as it was mostly my car that caused the trouble and MY job that caused us to live in a place where jobs for professionals are almost nil. so please don't go broadcasting the link on facebook, please please. but it's there if maybe it could get passed along secretly, email to email or something. or not.

i'm going to make the rest of this day about tea, and yarn, and taking deep breaths.

and maybe reading my blog list for inspiration.

i'm going to really dig deep within myself to right my world a bit. i know, given this past week's events, that things could always be worse. i know i can let a lot go that i stubbornly hold onto, including ideas and notions that just won't work no matter how much i want them to. it all goes back to simplify/balance, i believe those are intentions i created for myself even before the new year. time to bring them up and reflect upon and act on them.

blessings and light,

k.

slowing down :: 13 april

wow, life got away from me for a while there.

work got really busy. the kitchen and house and my own personal mental well-being got neglected and i barely noticed until i FELT it.

this weekend is a three-day one. and ... shocker ... i have NO to-do list. at ALL. just a general idea of FLOW. it feels good, and necessary. ironically john is suggesting a date. a lot. okay. he's probably right. i love him. definitely the better half.

the last two months, really, have been a whirlwind carousel. car stuff. wedding stuff. school-related stuff (and my first AMI consultation, which was rocky-feeling to me, but we did pass muster). not NEARLY enough time in the home, where I find great balance. On the needles. In novels. I did commit pretty seriously to working out again, which feels awesome. Eating has not gone as well because planning went out the window. That's gonna come back, and it's gonna get simpler now that it's spring. Quinoa salads and such.

I don't want to get too complicated, in keeping with the theme I set for myself on purpose this weekend. But I did want to pop in. This place is sacred to me. I will share some pictures with you. Then I will go out onto my front porch and knit for a while in the sun in my hippie dress.

sending the world my blessings. hope your weekend's a peaceful one, too. we all need to chuck the lists sometimes.

just casting on. it's actually a lot bigger now and i've gotten into the gorgeous netting.

on the needles

a special, semi-secret project. once i get past the stockinette, it's really going to challenge me!

the yarn is madeline tosh superwash merino, in case you are interested. very pleasant to knit with.

also working on a scarf and a second prayer shawl and some other stuff i haven't cast on for yet.... a knitter's life is scattered in many directions, for sure!

returning to a whole :: 24 March

seven and a half months in, finally feel comfortable in this room (i'm sitting at that desk now, yes, with a chair lol). it's a wonder to me and very telling that we put everything but ourselves first, and it's only when we physically and mentally notice how much we've taxed ourselves that we focus on self-care. 

i'm trying currently to tweak my diet to an optimal one for the way my 33-year-old body works. it's not as resilient as in the previous decade. i know i'm also more in tune with the way i work, too, so that can be why i tend to notice changes more. all this focus in the press and on other blogs regarding wheat and gluten, i've been wondering does it affect my health too? So I'm really cutting down on the wheat to see. I want to eat more "clean," so much less emphasis for me on processed soy meats, corn, dairy. i've noticed that i have more sustained energy and feel "clearer" all around when i eat a diet rich in WHOLE foods -- basically produce, legumes, and non-wheat grains like quinoa, oats actually work for me too (i know there can be controversy there). also, drinking tons upon tons of water and switching from coffee to green tea for weekday mornings. sugar has never been a problem for me, or salt (although i do crave cheese and chips a lot), so the afore-mentioned should be all i need for now. i'm also re-committing to vegetarianism after a year off experimenting with other ways to eat. i won't go into detail. it's just what's "right" to me for so many intimate reasons. 

i bought some watercolors and supplies yesterday, along with a very nice work lamp to reduce eye strain while crafting or knitting. i'm hoping the watercolors become a nice way to unwind after a long day at work. 

i'm going to spend most of the rest of the day painting, watercoloring, writing a letter to a friend (Ari!!), and menu planning for the week ahead. we'll probably do slow-cooker chili again with sweet potatoes and beans.... i might take a hot bath later, too. we'll try some organic brown rice pasta with organic spaghetti sauce, leftover fake sausage, and mushrooms for dinner. 

by the way, here's a great smoothie i've been enjoying lately: 

one frozen banana

1/2 c each non-dairy milk and water

a few sprinkles of cinnamon

a bit of honey or maple syrup

1-2 tbsp chocolate hemp protein powder

a few small kale leaves

1-2 tbsp peanut butter or sunflower seed butter

here is some pretty pyrex i picked up this week (on sale!):

technically enamelware lol ... can't wait to make a casserole in this beauty!

i can't love milk glass enough!

hoping your week is calm and has some "me" time to it. essential as breath. for sure. 

namaste,

k. 

split personality :: 16 March

recently knitted/finished prayer shawl for someone in newtown, ct

i have a split personality.

i work full-time as a montessori teacher.

i work part-time as a feminist homemaker. i love to cook, bake, wash dishes, keep up with the laundry and sweeping. basically i love to create a cozy, uncluttered space to truly regenerate and be creative, such as with my knitting. i'm happy to have a week off which I will spend mostly at home, getting my usual spunk and energy and passion back for the work i do, which when i'm on my game doesn't feel like work, it feels like a calling.

dresser top

current projects at home include finally finishing with painting the bedroom
continued decluttering and stashing away of just a few more things

i recently spent some time centering myself around my deepest priorities, making sure i've had more true relaxation and winding-down time to myself despite wanting to achieve the ultimate balance of happiness between my work outside the home and my work within the home. i do know that a continued commitment to exercise and eating very well and getting enough sleep are vital to my health and happiness. i've been really yearning to incorporate yoga again, i go a few months without it and i truly feel suffering and there is some real pain due to not breathing correctly and constantly stretching and keeping myself limber and in good posture. also, increased anxiety. so. i've got to see about remedying that. it's fallen off my radar and that is really not good. i know i should do what i can at home, but it's always been harder for me than a class. right now my geographical location is very, very challenging...

i've decided to finally bite the bullet and conquer the fear of my sewing machine so this summer i'm going to jump in and take some lessons so i have a lot of time to practice my new skills.

i have a goal of drinking green tea only on weekdays and  having all the nice hot coffee i want on weekends. ah, that green tea is glorious stuff for prana. coffee in moderation has its health benefits, too, i truly believe.

turning the computer off before 8 pm each day is doing marvelous things for quality of life.

the other day, i baked and froze some wonderful banana-chocolate chip bread. my time in the kitchen always winds down after march and through april, but i'm hoping my slow-cooker will become useful this spring as we warm up for good around here. i've been wondering how to buy some commonly-used items at the regular grocery store that might be just under my food elitism ideal, or eating simple meals that use basic, healthy, but cheap ingredients (like lentils), that's my frugal self kicking into gear again after a month of somewhat ridiculous spending.

i think i'm going to go make some tea and play with yarn. john's gone off for a drive and it seems to be a good day for knitting.

a bit hard :: 10 March

Things are feeling a bit difficult right now.

In the middle of a two week parent-teacher conferences stretch, and there are always those who think our job is just SO easy. um, it's not. i pulled a bunch of 12-hour days last week.

Finding out that my car is at the stage of major repairs. As in, almost the number one might put down on a new one. So, I went to see if I qualified for a loan but turns out at 33 I still need mommy and daddy to co-sign. UM. Also, who can afford a $375/mo payment on top of living expenses and school loans and a credit card consolidation loan? For four years? That did not go well. I still haven't decided what to do (besides having a massive nervous breakdown for a good hour last night, leaving my eyes feeling sting-y and puffy today), I guess I'll wait until Wednesday when I have to bring it in for a more specific diagnosis. It needed two new front tires immediately. Then I had the tire salesman passively-aggressively berate ME for not having kept up with the maintenance over the years (not true). It was a long, hard Saturday after a long, hard week. Then I got to fill out tax returns for four states (don't ever do that much moving in one year again, self). What a mess. I did get a refund, bet you can guess where that's going. :-(

We had a lovely breakfast this morning at a new place (to us) in town, but John has been struggling with job issues of his own so Sundays have had a pall over them now for several months.

On the bright side, the sun is shining and it's actually a bit warm-ish so a walk by the bay might be in order. So might trying out my new slow-cooker and baking banana-chocolate chip bread. So might knitting. The rest can work itself out as the week drags on. The next one is vacation, though with all the car expenses it might be a true STAY-cation. Sigh.

We'll be okay, I just again was reminded how very hard it is for this generation (I'm 33) to be adult. Credit score, to me, is like an SAT test. Some people are good at test-taking, but it's never a measure of someone's true intelligence. Anyway I won't go into my rant again, I got that out yesterday. Just ... home, car, baby, dog even -- i kept saying over and over, "I just can't do it."

The good news is my frugal mindset is back. I can't seem to figure out the trick to sticking with it. I guess we just keep getting up, dusting off our bottoms, and getting back to it. I would like to see my savings account stay in the black. That is all.

I also just checked my free annual credit report, and got some good (for me). I am JUST on the verge of entering the "fair" category again. Just a few more points to go.

Anyway, about all I have to say for now. Just going to try to keep living with intention, enjoying the moments as much as possible, and trying, trying, to make good habits stick. and perspective, perspective. it could AL-ways be worse. always.

k.